Sunday, September 12, 2010

my heart's desire

It's early, early Sunday morning, and I just cannot find sleep.  What's on my mind?  More like on my heart...  As most of you know, my son has an extremely rare chromosome pattern that has caused him many delays and health issues.  What some of you might not know, is that rare genetic disorder was inherited from me.  (Praise God I have been freed from the wrongful guilt that followed this revelation!!)  If you know anything about genetics, you might have guessed where the problem with this comes in... more children.

I never pictured my adult life with less than three or four children.  I never pictured my adult life with one "special needs" baby.  Who does?   I didn't know about my genetic predisposition when we decided to start a family.  And believe it or not, I am SOOO THANKFUL that I didn't know.  Jude has not ruined anything for me and my husband.  Jude has only improved the quality of our life.  If I would have known about genetics, I probably would have been too afraid to ever have children and never know the blessing I have!!  Besides Jesus, Jude is truly the greatest gift the Lord has ever given me and Lane.

But where do we go from here??  Lane and I desperately want to add to our little family but the risks are somewhat discouraging.  We have a 50% chance of conceiving another baby like Jude, but only 5% chance of delivering that baby.  What does that mean?  Well, first and most importantly, it means that Jude is a miracle defying the odds everyday.  Second, it means that I could face multiple miscarriages; 90% of all babies with a chromosome abnormalities are miscarried.  (interesting to know that 1 out of every 10 pregnancies have a chromosome abnormality) Third it means we could have another special needs child.  Finally, it means we could also have a healthy baby.

Where does that leave us?? Well, we don't exactly know yet.  Our great Christian geneticist, Dr. Superneau, has informed us that, with the high miscarriage rates of babies with chromosome abnormalities, we have a 95% chance of having a healthy baby!!  Pretty encouraging, right? For most onlookers, but come try my shoes on for a minute...

Lane and I conceived Jude only three months into marriage; no previous pregnancies and no known miscarriages.  The pregnancy seemed absolutely normal until the ultrasound showed an abnormally developing baby.  Raising Jude has been quite a challenge.  In the beginning, I compared Jude to every baby: you just can't do that even with a healthy baby.  Jude will need care for the rest of his life.  Now, this might surprise you, but Jude's delays are the furthest from my concern.  I love Jude for who he is and what doctors call "abnormal" is this family's normal.  The constant stress over Jude's current or future medical problems is what gives me anxiety.  You never know when a routine appointment with the ophthalmologist or the cardiologist will turn into complete devastation.  *speaking from experience*   I never worry about Jude's development; it's the constant medical "surprises" that wear me out.

Not such an easy decision to have more children, is it?

I know people always say "God will never give you more than can handle."  While I appreciate the sentiment, that is the biggest lie ever told.  I have definitely had more than I can handle on a few occasions.  But the beautiful thing is that God handled it all for me.  You see, I believe that the Lord puts us in situations where we have no other choice than to cry out to Him.

I still want another baby more than anything.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

So the awesome thing is, that the Lord gave me a scripture for this very issue right when I began my journey with Jude.

Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let not your hands be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well.
Ecclesiastes 11:4-6

So..  now I know what God says about all of this.  Now I just need to be obedient.

Please pray for my family.  Pray that I am faithful and obedient to step out on the Lord's Plans for my life once again.  Pray for peace.  Pray for guidance.  Pray for a healthy baby.

thanks for reading my heart tonight,

**This blog was started as to take place where Jude's Caringbridge site leaves off.  That site is home to some very endearing stories.  If you ever want to get more of a background on our journey with Jude, you can always stop by his Caringbridge site.


  1. hey angel!!!!!

    i have sent you a few email in replies to your comments & i just realized you have a check to have a "NO REPLY with your email" on your blog!

    you won the BOO bag!!!
    do you mind sending me your email?

    mine is

    i also sent you an email about twitter. i'll resend once i have your email.

    take care!

  2. Grace when you need it, and only when you need it. You and Jude are part of God's perfect plan. Through all of the trials know that you are being shaped into His image! Praying for you guys!


  3. I can't even tell you how familiar your words are to my own heart. Lately I've find myself wrestling with all the same thoughts. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Praying for you and Lane as you continue to put your trust in Him :)


Thank you for taking the time to share a kind word with me!