Trusting Without Borders // Part 4

So I know I've kept you waiting long enough on the wrap up of this little series; actually, I hate to call it a "wrap up" because I feel like I will never ever be quite finished with dealing with all of this.

Ok. So I started fertility treatment, and this was last August, by the way.  So into my first round, I constantly walked in prayer.  I prayed so hard for a healthy baby, but honestly, I prayed harder for God to just keep guiding me in the right direction.  I knew it was His desire to see me step out in faith and try for a sweet baby because He made it sooooo clear in His word.  But STILL... still I would get overwhelmed by numbers, probabilities, and past experience.  I'm in a couple of support groups for families affected by balanced translocation.  And even though it has been a great source of information for me, I could feel myself getting lost in everyone's personal experience.  Reading about someone who had 3 healthy children would leave me so encouraged one day.  However, the next day I would read about how someone's test results revealed the baby they were carrying was unbalanced, and it would leave me in gut wrenching fear and heartache for them and increased worry for myself.  

In those moments of incredible distress, I would turn to God and beg Him for assurance that it would be okay.  In my quiet time one day, God did speak to my heart and gently reminded me to not look to the left or the right, but keep my eyes straight on Him.

"Let your eyes look forward, fix your gaze straight ahead."

Proverbs 4:25

Now I was always taught to hold everything up to God's word to check it's truth and it's value.  So anytime I hear from God in that manner, I always like to find the biblical reference of His message.  Y'all!  Just go google scripture about turning to the right or left...

SO MANY REFERENCES!  Especially in the Old Testament when travelers are going through a foreign land or wilderness, they are instructed or they promise to stay on the King's highway and not to turn to the right or to the left.

Here I am, in a wilderness, and I need to stay on the King's Highway!  I don't need to seek my source of comfort and encouragement from anywhere else. 

So once again, I called on the Lord and He showed up in a big way.

Back to fertility treatment...  and this is where things will get a little clinical.

The doctor recommended a simple round of Clomid to get things started. So first round started... and so did the doctor appointments and tests.  The doctor warned me that the hormone therapy may make me feel crazy and hormonal, but I felt the opposite.  I could tell my body was loving what it was getting.  I had more energy, I slept better at night, my skin glowed, my hair quit falling out in handfuls, and my overall mood seemed to improve.  

My doctor also decided to help out the therapy by prescribing an injectable trigger drug that will force ovulation when needed.  I remember the FedEx packing arriving... It felt soo surreal.  

Well first ultrasound to check my response was concerning.  I was right.  My body loved the treatment, so much that I over responded to it.  So much that my doctor decided against the trigger shot and called off that month.  We just couldn't run the risk of me conceiving multiple babies, and by multiples, I'm talking 5 to 8... WOW!  Blood work later that month confirmed a crazy high progesterone number which did indeed mean multiple ovulations.

The time for the next round finally arrived.  And this time, I was instructed to take half a pill of the lowest possible dose.  Ultrasound came and my response was a tiny high, but in the normal range so we pushed forward.  I had my injection, my progesterone looked good, and into the longest two week wait ever.  

I was sure it would work this time...

But it didn't... 

I cried for a week.  I couldn't understand why it just didn't work.  I couldn't understand why God would bring me down this path to not let it work....

Lane hung me a pretty porch swing in our big oak tree to cheer me up.  I sat in that swing with my little girl one day and decided that it was not the right time in our family to pursue more rounds of treatment.  She was in a part time prek program and this was my last year to be with her all the time, Jude was learning to walk and would need a lot of help to get there, and the construction of our home was finally starting after more than a year of sitting on plans.  I didn't want to be so consumed with fertility treatment and the emotions that came with it that I couldn't feel present in these important moments.  

And I had such a peace.

A couple of months ago, right in the middle of our DIY floor installation on the new house, I was praying for God to continue to bless our endeavor.  I prayed for Him to bless our time and finances to go further than we imagined.... But then I realized how crazy I would feel with a newborn in that moment.  I either wouldn't be able to help or someone would have to be watching my new baby for me, and honestly that would break this attachment parenting momma's heart.  So once again, I realized God was being practical with His prayer answering skills....

In July, I returned for another visit with my doctor.  We talked and hope to start more rounds in the fall...  Please pray as I'm not sure of our direction yet, but I'm sure He will guide us.

Okay so I know sooooo many of you were hoping for some surprise ending, and OH how I wish that was the case.  But it just wasn't His plan for me.  And I'm okay with that.  I committed a long time ago to love the Lord because of who He is, not because of what He can do for me.

So why so many posts and cliffhangers? 

Well some of the posts were written over a year ago.  And each posts was a distinct portion of my life that I feel God showed me something very specific.  To trust, to have faith, to honor, to trust some more...  

And why did I write this?  Something in me just knew that writing this would help me, and I have received so many sweet messages from women facing fertility obstacles.  It's amazing how many women feel like they need to be hush hush about this particular struggle.  

Another reason for writing this is to encourage you to constantly seek God and His plan for you in and out of the wilderness.  So many times God was completely transparent on which path He wanted me on.  There was no guess work and no questioning how clear His word was during these times.  

Stay on the King's Road in life!  Keep your eyes on Jesus!  There are going to be many situations in which you are given so much advice.  Pray for discernment and God's direction, then head that way.  Don't let the what's going on to your right or your left distract you from your destination!

Now to the hard and honest part.  Not only do I encourage anyone to get in the word and seek God's guidance in their life, but I beg you to be obedient as well.  This is hard for me to write, but one of my biggest struggles throughout this process was stepping out in faith and being obedient.  So many times the Lord prompted me to step out in faith and I let fear hold me down.  Delayed obedience is disobedience... Now I'm not saying that not being able to have a baby is a punishment from God, but it could be a consequence of my disobedience.  And if I never get to have another baby, I will always wonder "what if". What if I would have never stalled in fear from the beginning?  What if I never wasted time waiting for the genetics counseling and just stepped out in faith?  What if I missed my opportunities to have babies without medical intervention and I'm to blame?  That's a lot of what ifs; too many!

So I encourage you, please don't stall out in fear!  Don't question or doubt God's direction.  Confirm it and follow.  You might just miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime if you hesitate.  

TRUST HIM WITHOUT BORDERS!!

So where are we now?  We are just doing life.  It's busy and I am determined to enjoy every minute of it.  I tuck my babies in bed and look at the miracle of Jude's thriving life and at the blessing of my sweet Aubrey Lane, and I am happy.

More Than Just a Biscuit

*WARNING- this post is kinda long and has no pictures.  A post full of pictures is on its way.  I promise.

So we have been extremely busy with the building of our new house.  The floor DIY is about to kill us all!!  Since we spend sooo much time in the new house, there is hardly extra time to do regular life stuff that we need to do like say laundry, clean house, grocery shop, cook... you get the picture.  Thank goodness for my mother in law that has been practically raising our kids for us lately.  

So anyway, last week Lane worked that Friday and I spent some of the day in the new house working and some of the day in our current home just trying to catch up on things.  When Lane got home from work, I hadn’t cooked dinner yet- mainly because I haven’t grocery shopped yet.  So he ran and got some of my favorite bad for you food- spicy fried chicken, mashed potatoes, red beans and rice, and of course the biscuits.  Most of y’all know the place...  

I know, I know... We’ve been eating horribly during this DIY, but I’m certain  the meal quality will improve once we are in our new house.   So to all my healthy friends, don’t deem me a lost cause yet.

Lane comes in with the takeout bag and starts unloading it on the counter so I can fix some plates.  He does a quick inventory for me, but before he could finish he lets out a deep breath of frustration and looks to the ceiling.  The fast food service forgot to give us all our biscuits and there was only one in the bag.  Those of you who know which place I’m talking about understand that the biscuits are actually the coveted part of the meal.  And we live pretty rural so to go get the biscuits would have taken at least 30 minutes. 

Well our four year old immediately became aware of the circumstances and started to cry.  I’m telling y’all, biscuits are a BIG DEAL!  Because I know my husband considers me first above anyone else, I reassured him that I didn’t need a biscuit to be happy with the meal. However, because my husband considers himself last after everyone else, he turned and reassured our daughter that she could have the biscuit.  She accepted without out a second thought or a THANK YOU!

I stood there in our kitchen spectating this small moment and something just didn’t sit well with me about the events that I just witnessed.  I know how everyone in my family feels about the biscuits.  I know that my husband was just as disappointed as my daughter was.  I was not surprised that my he gave the only biscuit to our daughter.  However, I was surprised that she took it without thinking twice- like it was owed to her or something.

Memories from my childhood came racing back to me.  Remembering my own mother saving the best piece of chicken for my father, and if there was only one biscuit, you can believe, he was going to get it.  And there was no argument from me or my sister.  

I looked over at my husband who was quietly fixing his plate.  He was tired.  Real tired.  His shoulders were low with it it and his words few.  He had been up since 3:30am to make a 40ish minute drive to work a 12 hour shift all without ever complaining. EVER!  And our daughter AND myself had just shown no appreciation or RESPECT for the king of our castle.

Not only had that happened, but I watched Aubrey Lane admire her full plate and knew what had to be done.  I knew she was going to be very upset and that’s natural for a child her age.  I quietly called her and asked her did she think she should give the biscuit to her daddy who worked all day so that we could want for nothing.  Things started to get dramatic quickly as I expected.  I tried reasoning with her at first, then just demanded that she give the biscuit to her father.

Lane started to object because he is Lane, but then he realized what was really going on and stayed quiet.  This was more than just a biscuit.  This was about respecting my husband in all areas.  This was about Aubrey Lane honoring her father.  This was a lesson for her too.  Yes I hated hearing her cry and felt awful for it, but all I could see was her 20 years from now, a young adult breaking down because her father and I prevented her from feeling disappointment and frustration as a child.  I could see her as a young wife and mother not respecting her husband because I didn’t restore divine order in our own home.

I haven’t been the best wife to Lane or role model for Aubrey Lane.  I’ll admit it.  I don’t say thank you near enough and have put a huge demand on all my husband’s time between work and this house build.  Then I give him grief if he forgets to take the trash out.  God’s word commands the husband to love his wife and the wife to RESPECT her husband.  Why not love? Because men need respect more than anything else.  Gratitude translates to respect, and respect translates love to them.  It is their love language from their wives and children!  Respecting our husbands in Godly ways will certainly grow their love for us, and even grow our love for them.  So I want to encourage any wife or wife to be reading this post (thank you for hanging in there), to go out of your way today to show your husband a special gesture of gratitude and respect. I can almost guarantee you will be blessed in return.  And if you aren’t, don’t be discouraged because when we honor our husbands, we honor God, and we should do that without the need for reward.

I stayed persistent and eventually even Aubrey Lane realized giving up the biscuit was the right thing to do.  When she gave it to Lane she was insistent he have it, and in true Lane fashion, he broke it in half and shared it with her. But a lesson was learned.