Oh, Kindergarten...

Life post flood has been pretty chaotic... Moving from our home to our parents' home back to our home, church programs postponed, schools closed "until further notice"... all made it impossible to obtain any regular routine or sense of control.  If anything, this flood has made us ALL realize that we really have no control in any situation.  Properties bought in NO FLOOD zones, houses built on hills off the ground, well made and thought through plans for the last half of 2016 and the new school year... it was ALL an illusion...  It hit hard for everyone!  No one soul remained untouched or unaffected by the events that unfolded in our community mid August.  Not even our sweet babies.  I personally threw away soggy notebooks and new school supplies, watched my little niece process the fact that she was now homeless, witnessed my friends' sweet kiddos recognize their belongings in the debris piles on the roadside, even consoled my own daughter as she sobbed while we burned all her flooded books and tossed moldy Cabbage Patch Dolls. 

Y'all, it was hard and it will be hard for a while.


But last week the clouds parted, and we got a little bit of our normal back when our community schools resumed classes.  We had only been to school ONE WHOLE day when the rains started, so it was literally the first day of school, take two.

Unfortunately BOTH Jude and Aubrey Lane's schools received significant flood damage.  So when school resumed last week they were at new temporary locations.  But, hey- we'll take it. 


Jude is pretty easy going and went back to a school he used to attend so re-entry was a breeze.  It was Aubrey Lane I was a little bit worried about.  Not only was she going to a new school, but she's in kindergarten.  She had only been to school ONE DAY so she didn't really have time to make any friends or get a feel for school itself.  And she wasn't very interested in going back.  But I tell you what, kindergarten has been FUN!


First, I just ADORE her teacher and the staff at the entire school.  When we pull into carpool in the morning, they are there and ready for their babies.  If there are tears, and there have been, the carpool teacher will call Aubrey Lane's teacher to the car, and she is so tender and encouraging to her.  They all are like that with their students.  If a bow has been forgotten, and it has been, the teachers are so quick to help us find it like it was their own daughter or granddaughter's bow they are looking for.  It really does feel like a big family.

Aubrey is learning so much! And I can see that she is being pushed at just the right pace.  Her teacher has been teaching for FORTY-TWO YEARS so she knows children so well.  They have so many extras to make sure the students are getting the most of this season in life- there are so many fun events and days like Spirit Day where kiddos get to wear spirit shirts and bitty cheerleader uniforms.  It really feels picture perfect.  My only one regret is that we didn't start there earlier!

Over the weekend, Saturday to be exact, we celebrated the return of another normal routine- dance class!  We went to Open House where there was face painting, photo props, and of course AL's sweet teachers.  Other dance companies had sent tons of dance shoes, dance wear, and even costumes to help out the flood victims.  It was awesome to see.

On the way to the Open House, I don't know what came over me, but after realizing that Aubrey Lane was now in kindergarten and did not know how to tie her shoes, I decided to give her first lesson.  I figured this was something that would take 15 minute sessions everyday for the next week or two before she got it.  I guess she wanted to prove me wrong, because after only 10 minutes she got it!  And now I have a shoe tier...

The second week of kindergarten came around along with a double ear infection for Aubrey Lane.  But no worries, she got to bring Corduroy to the doctor with her.  Every kindergartner gets to bring Corduroy home with them to spend the night when they are good, and apparently it's a BIG deal!  She was so proud packing him out of the classroom, and she brought him home and had a tea party so he could meet all her other "friends".  Oh, kindergarten, you are so fun.  Well at least for now.  We will have to give another update in a month or two.

Stay tuned for Jude's second grade take two post.

Happy First Day of School

Wow!  It's so hard to believe that I'm writing this post, but today was the first day of school for both of my sweet babies.  Jude started Second Grade again, and Aubrey Lane started Kindergarten.  And YES, I cried.  I've had a baby at home with me for 9 years, and now all of a sudden I don't.  Of course it was and will be hard for me to adjust to this season of life.

Since blogging is my virtual scrapbook, I want to remember what each of my sweet babies is like at this age.

Jude

Jude, you are eight years old and about to start second grade for the second time.  Your daddy and I made that decision last year to hold you back one more year in elementary school with your amazing teacher and precious paraprofessionals.

We decided on this not because you weren't doing well, quite the opposite.  You have THRIVED the past 2 years at this school with this same team of educators.  You have learned to walk, started enjoy working hard at school work, and have maintained an A/B Honor Roll.  We are soooo proud of you!  We knew that staying in this same environment for an extra year would better prepare you physically and mentally for Intermediate School.  A couple of days ago when we attended open house at your school, the minute we pulled into the neighborhood, you squealed and clapped with excitement.  Then we followed you down the hallways as you lead us right to your classroom.  You remembered where you needed to go and knew exactly who would be waiting behind the door for you when you arrived; a group of the sweetest ladies who missed you and are ready to love on you.  I think they were emotionally thankful (almost as much as I am) to see you return.

Jude, at this age you are walking.... Rarely do children learn to walk this late in life.  If they haven't acquired the skill by a certain age, it is unlikely children ever walk.  However, you are in the business of defying odds, sweet boy.  I'm sure now more than ever you have a lot of tricks up your sleeve we have yet to see.

Your personality is still super funny.  You love to giggle at your little sister when she whines and cries, and you race in front of me to pull her hair when we are all walking together.  You have fully assumed the role of the antagonizing big brother, and you love it.  Her whelps of frustration with you are music to your ears. You can't get enough and don't mind getting in trouble for your reward.  However, I have witnessed some tender moments between the two of you.  You like to snuggle with Aubrey Lane and love to let her play with your curly hair.

You still don't like to eat (praying that's our next big hurdle to conquer), and you detest your glasses and hearing aids.  I don't even bother that much anymore with them because you respond to simple commands and I have yet to notice you struggle to see anything... especially your sister's hair to pull out of the corner of your eye.  I still try to make you wear them during activity times, but these days I'm all about quality of life and picking up and replacing glasses and hearing aids off the floor 274 times an hour is not my idea of a good life of quality for either of us.

You love to be read to and you love music.  Nothing brings more joy to your face than when you see someone open up a book to read to you.  And when we get in situations that make you feel a little antsy like restaurants or crowded places, headphones and nursery rhymes make you cool and calm.  And you LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch baseball games on television.  So much that your grandparents have saved games on their DVR for you.  You can't answer the question, but I bet you would want to be a baseball player when you grow up.

Jude, you are the best snuggler and you still let me rock and hold you.  And you give hugs and kisses!  When I pick you up, you wrap your arms around me and squeeze me so tight and press your face to my cheek as hard as you can.  It's kinda painful because you are sooo strong but my heart explodes every time you do it.

You are soooo social.  You give high fives and grins to everyone.  BUT, you are a grudge holder.  If I fuss at you for something, you are mad at me for the WHOLE DAY!  I kind of find pleasure in that fact because it's another concept you understand.  We find out new things about your awareness and cognition everyday lately and it's so exciting to watch you thrive.

This morning when we dropped you off, you were thrilled to be at school.  And when we picked you up, your sweet para stood in the rain to hug you one last time and tell you she loved you.  


Aubrey Lane

Oh Aubrey girl, you are five going to kindergarten and just a handful.  A good handful that I'm thankful for.  We enrolled you in a private faith based academy and I just have a confidence that you are going to bloom there.  We have already met with your teacher and I want to go to kindergarten with you because it sounds soooo fun.  I can't wait to see all the stuff you will make and learn this year.

Aubrey Lane, you are super tiny, 11th percentile in weight and 14th in height (finding uniforms to fit was quite the job), but because Jude is tiny too, you have almost caught up with him in size and I get asked if y'all are twins all the time.  Despite your size, you are a pretty good eater with a huge list of foods you willingly eat.  

At this stage in life, you are sooo funny.  You always have been though.  When you tell us an idea you have, you ask if it was a "good apple" because your daddy often ask you "how do you like them apples" and you interpreted apples as ideas.  And you tell us "let's blow up this popsicle stand" when we leave places.  You have a great imagination and you always want to "pretend" to do something.  I'm amazed at the stuff you come up with.  And you sing constantly... like always... like ALL DAY!  But you know what, it's so enjoyable because you have the prettiest little voice and you actually sing very well for your age.  Lane, who you still call Daddy Punkin,  and I will ride in silence in the car just to hear you sing along with the radio.  You still LOVE to dance and you say you want to be a gymnast when you grow up, but you have never taken one gymnastics class in your life.  That doesn't matter to you; you have been in love with the sport since we took you to the LSU gymnastics meet earlier this year.

Aubrey Lane, your personality is so impressive.  We often call you a miniature 30 year old because the way you act and talk, especially when you talk with your hands. You take a minute to warm up to new places and ideas, but once you come out of your shell, there is no putting you back in it.  You take charge and go from there.  I was so worried when I dropped you off today that you might clam up for the first couple of days and not like school from the stress of that action, but before I left the school this morning, you had called on the teacher twice with questions about your desk work.  I felt much better leaving you after that.

Dropping you off this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I have had you or Jude as a steady day date for the past nine years.  I'm going to miss you terribly.  But you seemed to be doing fine when I left and I stayed strong to not cry a tear in front of you then LOST IT in the parking lot.  When we picked you up this afternoon you had already made friends that were jumping out of line to hug you bye.  And when we asked you how your first day of kindergarten was, you answered "PERFECT!"

Happy first day of school, little ones.

Trusting Without Borders // Part 2

Well... so here we are.  Almost a year later and I am finally ready to pick up where I left off...

So I knew it was time to make a decision on whether or not to expand our family.  The question was NEVER did we want another baby; that was a given.  However, more like should we have another baby.  Would it be fair to Jude and Aubrey Lane to take a chance on having another baby with severe medical issues? 

I prayed constantly over the issue determined not to let this circumstance get bigger than God again.  One night I remember thanking God for the scripture He had given me from Ecclesiastes to stand on.  But I complained that the scripture was for Jude and Aubrey Lane and that I needed a new one for more babies.  Almost instantly, He reminded me that His word is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; that the verse stands for all pregnancies past and future.  God had given me so much precious affirmation; affirmation I wasn't owed and didnt' deserve.  

Even with that renewed assurance, I let my fear dictate my choices, not trust. I let feelings determine my decisions instead of the knowledge that God is in control and always good.  I waited.  I didn't step out in faith for that sweet baby despite the divine green light I was given.

Even though I knew that no one could give me clear answers or guarantees, I sought genetics counseling to get a better idea of the "numbers" that we were looking at.

At counseling numbers and probabilities were once again figured out on a piece of paper and we were told their best guesses.  IVF with preimplantation genetic diagnosis was put on the table before us.  That would mean sifting through embryos and only selecting those unaffected by genetic abnormality to be implanted.  Feeling uneasy with selecting choice embryos, I went to God with prayer over it.  I knew that no one could really make this decision for us.

So one day I was reading in Numbers and I came to the place where God told Moses to speak to the rock and it would bring forth water.  However, frustrated with his situation of groaning Israelites and knowing from his past experience it was a sure bet, Moses struck the rock and brought forth the water.  And God was so out done with Moses over this that He denied his entry into the Promise Land.  Moses didn't trust God to let Him bring water His way, and Moses stole honor and glory from God...  I knew God was speaking to me through His Word.  I knew that doing IVF with PGD would be striking the rock.  I knew that the outcome would be the same- a healthy baby or two, but I would be stealing the honor from God that way.  He didn't want me to strike the rock; He wants me to trust in Him.  He wants me to do things His way. 

(Now I want to be clear that I hold no judgment on those who choose that method; I'm only sharing what God showed me personally. And sweet readers, please don't judge either.  IVF is a wonderful technology given to couples that could not have babies otherwise and PGD is not the standard so embryos aren't just "discarded".  And I have many friends who have chosen PGD, but mainly because their affected embryos are not compatible with life and the pain of multiple miscarriages is excruciating.)

So all in all the genetic counseling only left me feeling more unstable than before I walked through the door.  I became emotionally distraught and struggled with depression throughout the next few weeks.  And God put a man whom I greatly admire in front of me and Lane during this season.  This man asked me if I felt like I was in the Will of God.  I answered YES!  I had to be!  I wasn't getting the answers from God that I wanted but I couldn't argue that I wasn't getting clear direction from Him.  This Godly man told me that he also believed that I was in the Will of God and that as long as I stayed there, any decision I made regarding children would be the right one. 

"Those who trust in themselves are fools, 

but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Proverbs 28:26

You see, the genetics counseling wasn't going to assure me or give me a peace.  I had affirmation from God, but foolishly it wasn't enough for me.  So looking back now, the decline in my emotional and mental well being is no surprise.  I was going by what our geneticist, who is just a man, told me.  He is a Christian amazingly, but he's not God.  We have to be so careful with the discernment that God graciously gives us, and take captive our thoughts and feelings so that we don't let them squander it.

So a couple nights later, Lane and I prayed and talked and decided that the desire for more children was definitely not ungodly, and that pain of not having anymore children far outweighed the fear of having another one with special needs.  And that what kind of testimony and faith would we lack had we knew about my genetic dispostition before children and never had Jude or Aubrey Lane.  They are both, with and without disability, such gifts to us and others.  So after years of being bound up by fear, we stepped out in faith.  We were going to try for another baby.

to be continued...

Trusting Without Borders // Part 1

I was so torn about sharing this or not, but I fully believe in the POWER of prayer and writing it all down is part of the dealing and healing process for me.  Maybe I'm writing it more for me because I don't even know when or if I will push the "publish" button.  

*For later reference, it is currently early August, 2015.

There is a ton going on in our lives behind the scenes.  But before I get there, I need to go back to when it all started.

When Jude was just about 10ish days old in the NICU, I sat at his bassinet desperately trying to cope with his recent chromosome abnormality diagnosis.  Y'all- this was seriously the hardest days of my entire life.  Not only was my world ROCKED by Jude's diagnosis, but a fear gripped me so hard I could hardly breathe: what if all my babies will be born like this? The doctors were pushing for genetics testing with Lane and I, but I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it.  What if the news was devastating?  All I wanted in this life was to raise a bunch of babies with the man I loved.  I had dreamt of a big family my entire life.

Desperate and knowing where my hope is, I picked up the bible I brought to the NICU everyday and begin to search for Ecclesiastes.  I don't know why, I just knew I had to read there.  I know now that was God.  Well I started from the beginning.  

Yes, God, I know there is a time for this and a time for that, but I need more.  I know there is something else you have for me in this!

That's when I came to Ecclesiastes 11:4

He who observes the wind will not sow,

And he who regards the clouds will not reap.

As you do not know what is the way of the wind,

Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child,

So you do not know the works of God who makes everything.

In the morning sow your seed, 

And in the evening do not withhold your hand;

For you do not know which will prosper,

Either this or that,

Or whether both alike will be good.

I knew without a doubt that God had given that scripture to me at that time.  I clung to it over the next three years as my heart cried out for another child. You see a couple months after I read this, my worst fears were confirmed.  Jude's genetic disposition was the result of an unbalanced translocation in which I unknowingly passed to him because I have a balanced translocation.  And it could happen again with more children.  Oh the grief... it was unbearable. It was greater than having a child with multiple disabilities; it was and is my deepest grief to date.  I'm so thankful I could and did run to Jesus in the midst of my heartache.  There were so many times over the next three years that I had to remind myself that Jesus is greater than any circumstance.  I have a specific memory of one spring season being so heartbroken, I could not even find my voice to sing during worship service at church.  Instead I just cried out for God to help me through this pain.


I still had the scripture, and knew God wanted me to step out in faith in Him and try for another baby.  However, I did not let faith order my steps, but fear.  I never really tried for another baby.


Then came the fall and with it the unbelievable surprise of a positive pregnancy test.  Lane and I hadn't been trying at all.  I wish I could say that my heart sang with joy at the sight of that digital test that read "pregnant" across it, but fear flooded my heart and I cried for about a week.  Gradually my fear gave way to joy and I begin to be hopeful about this pregnancy and future baby.  We decided we would tell the world about our expected bundle of joy early at six weeks.  We thought about waiting until 12 weeks because the risk of miscarriage for us is SOOO high, but together we decided that the more people praying for our sweet baby, the better.


After a bumpy road in faith, our sweet Aubrey Lane was born the next summer.  Once again, I fell madly in love with a baby.  She was PERFECT in every way.   A complete miracle and gift from the Lord.  My heart swells with joy and tears flood my eyes right now just writing about it. 


My prayers were answered and I had a healthy baby.  However, I felt deep down inside that I didn't deserve my sweet miracle.  I had never stepped out in faith and actually tried for her like I knew God wanted me to.  I took the scripture and held it at it's word, but I didn't act on my faith; just my fear. 


In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
James 2:17 NIV

Even though, I felt like God fulfilled His promises (let me be clear- I don't feel like God owes me ANYTHING.  He has already given me His Son), I didn't feel like I held up my end of the deal.  I also knew that I would want another baby and that the road to that would be a difficult one emotionally, but I focused all my energy on my new little miracle and the joy she and her big brother brought me.  I stuffed the nagging worry over the path to future children way down deep and hid it there until the day it refused to be ignored any longer....




to be continued

More Than Just a Biscuit

*WARNING- this post is kinda long and has no pictures.  A post full of pictures is on its way.  I promise.

So we have been extremely busy with the building of our new house.  The floor DIY is about to kill us all!!  Since we spend sooo much time in the new house, there is hardly extra time to do regular life stuff that we need to do like say laundry, clean house, grocery shop, cook... you get the picture.  Thank goodness for my mother in law that has been practically raising our kids for us lately.  

So anyway, last week Lane worked that Friday and I spent some of the day in the new house working and some of the day in our current home just trying to catch up on things.  When Lane got home from work, I hadn’t cooked dinner yet- mainly because I haven’t grocery shopped yet.  So he ran and got some of my favorite bad for you food- spicy fried chicken, mashed potatoes, red beans and rice, and of course the biscuits.  Most of y’all know the place...  

I know, I know... We’ve been eating horribly during this DIY, but I’m certain  the meal quality will improve once we are in our new house.   So to all my healthy friends, don’t deem me a lost cause yet.

Lane comes in with the takeout bag and starts unloading it on the counter so I can fix some plates.  He does a quick inventory for me, but before he could finish he lets out a deep breath of frustration and looks to the ceiling.  The fast food service forgot to give us all our biscuits and there was only one in the bag.  Those of you who know which place I’m talking about understand that the biscuits are actually the coveted part of the meal.  And we live pretty rural so to go get the biscuits would have taken at least 30 minutes. 

Well our four year old immediately became aware of the circumstances and started to cry.  I’m telling y’all, biscuits are a BIG DEAL!  Because I know my husband considers me first above anyone else, I reassured him that I didn’t need a biscuit to be happy with the meal. However, because my husband considers himself last after everyone else, he turned and reassured our daughter that she could have the biscuit.  She accepted without out a second thought or a THANK YOU!

I stood there in our kitchen spectating this small moment and something just didn’t sit well with me about the events that I just witnessed.  I know how everyone in my family feels about the biscuits.  I know that my husband was just as disappointed as my daughter was.  I was not surprised that my he gave the only biscuit to our daughter.  However, I was surprised that she took it without thinking twice- like it was owed to her or something.

Memories from my childhood came racing back to me.  Remembering my own mother saving the best piece of chicken for my father, and if there was only one biscuit, you can believe, he was going to get it.  And there was no argument from me or my sister.  

I looked over at my husband who was quietly fixing his plate.  He was tired.  Real tired.  His shoulders were low with it it and his words few.  He had been up since 3:30am to make a 40ish minute drive to work a 12 hour shift all without ever complaining. EVER!  And our daughter AND myself had just shown no appreciation or RESPECT for the king of our castle.

Not only had that happened, but I watched Aubrey Lane admire her full plate and knew what had to be done.  I knew she was going to be very upset and that’s natural for a child her age.  I quietly called her and asked her did she think she should give the biscuit to her daddy who worked all day so that we could want for nothing.  Things started to get dramatic quickly as I expected.  I tried reasoning with her at first, then just demanded that she give the biscuit to her father.

Lane started to object because he is Lane, but then he realized what was really going on and stayed quiet.  This was more than just a biscuit.  This was about respecting my husband in all areas.  This was about Aubrey Lane honoring her father.  This was a lesson for her too.  Yes I hated hearing her cry and felt awful for it, but all I could see was her 20 years from now, a young adult breaking down because her father and I prevented her from feeling disappointment and frustration as a child.  I could see her as a young wife and mother not respecting her husband because I didn’t restore divine order in our own home.

I haven’t been the best wife to Lane or role model for Aubrey Lane.  I’ll admit it.  I don’t say thank you near enough and have put a huge demand on all my husband’s time between work and this house build.  Then I give him grief if he forgets to take the trash out.  God’s word commands the husband to love his wife and the wife to RESPECT her husband.  Why not love? Because men need respect more than anything else.  Gratitude translates to respect, and respect translates love to them.  It is their love language from their wives and children!  Respecting our husbands in Godly ways will certainly grow their love for us, and even grow our love for them.  So I want to encourage any wife or wife to be reading this post (thank you for hanging in there), to go out of your way today to show your husband a special gesture of gratitude and respect. I can almost guarantee you will be blessed in return.  And if you aren’t, don’t be discouraged because when we honor our husbands, we honor God, and we should do that without the need for reward.

I stayed persistent and eventually even Aubrey Lane realized giving up the biscuit was the right thing to do.  When she gave it to Lane she was insistent he have it, and in true Lane fashion, he broke it in half and shared it with her. But a lesson was learned.