Trusting Without Borders // Part 4

So I know I've kept you waiting long enough on the wrap up of this little series; actually, I hate to call it a "wrap up" because I feel like I will never ever be quite finished with dealing with all of this.

Ok. So I started fertility treatment, and this was last August, by the way.  So into my first round, I constantly walked in prayer.  I prayed so hard for a healthy baby, but honestly, I prayed harder for God to just keep guiding me in the right direction.  I knew it was His desire to see me step out in faith and try for a sweet baby because He made it sooooo clear in His word.  But STILL... still I would get overwhelmed by numbers, probabilities, and past experience.  I'm in a couple of support groups for families affected by balanced translocation.  And even though it has been a great source of information for me, I could feel myself getting lost in everyone's personal experience.  Reading about someone who had 3 healthy children would leave me so encouraged one day.  However, the next day I would read about how someone's test results revealed the baby they were carrying was unbalanced, and it would leave me in gut wrenching fear and heartache for them and increased worry for myself.  

In those moments of incredible distress, I would turn to God and beg Him for assurance that it would be okay.  In my quiet time one day, God did speak to my heart and gently reminded me to not look to the left or the right, but keep my eyes straight on Him.

"Let your eyes look forward, fix your gaze straight ahead."

Proverbs 4:25

Now I was always taught to hold everything up to God's word to check it's truth and it's value.  So anytime I hear from God in that manner, I always like to find the biblical reference of His message.  Y'all!  Just go google scripture about turning to the right or left...

SO MANY REFERENCES!  Especially in the Old Testament when travelers are going through a foreign land or wilderness, they are instructed or they promise to stay on the King's highway and not to turn to the right or to the left.

Here I am, in a wilderness, and I need to stay on the King's Highway!  I don't need to seek my source of comfort and encouragement from anywhere else. 

So once again, I called on the Lord and He showed up in a big way.

Back to fertility treatment...  and this is where things will get a little clinical.

The doctor recommended a simple round of Clomid to get things started. So first round started... and so did the doctor appointments and tests.  The doctor warned me that the hormone therapy may make me feel crazy and hormonal, but I felt the opposite.  I could tell my body was loving what it was getting.  I had more energy, I slept better at night, my skin glowed, my hair quit falling out in handfuls, and my overall mood seemed to improve.  

My doctor also decided to help out the therapy by prescribing an injectable trigger drug that will force ovulation when needed.  I remember the FedEx packing arriving... It felt soo surreal.  

Well first ultrasound to check my response was concerning.  I was right.  My body loved the treatment, so much that I over responded to it.  So much that my doctor decided against the trigger shot and called off that month.  We just couldn't run the risk of me conceiving multiple babies, and by multiples, I'm talking 5 to 8... WOW!  Blood work later that month confirmed a crazy high progesterone number which did indeed mean multiple ovulations.

The time for the next round finally arrived.  And this time, I was instructed to take half a pill of the lowest possible dose.  Ultrasound came and my response was a tiny high, but in the normal range so we pushed forward.  I had my injection, my progesterone looked good, and into the longest two week wait ever.  

I was sure it would work this time...

But it didn't... 

I cried for a week.  I couldn't understand why it just didn't work.  I couldn't understand why God would bring me down this path to not let it work....

Lane hung me a pretty porch swing in our big oak tree to cheer me up.  I sat in that swing with my little girl one day and decided that it was not the right time in our family to pursue more rounds of treatment.  She was in a part time prek program and this was my last year to be with her all the time, Jude was learning to walk and would need a lot of help to get there, and the construction of our home was finally starting after more than a year of sitting on plans.  I didn't want to be so consumed with fertility treatment and the emotions that came with it that I couldn't feel present in these important moments.  

And I had such a peace.

A couple of months ago, right in the middle of our DIY floor installation on the new house, I was praying for God to continue to bless our endeavor.  I prayed for Him to bless our time and finances to go further than we imagined.... But then I realized how crazy I would feel with a newborn in that moment.  I either wouldn't be able to help or someone would have to be watching my new baby for me, and honestly that would break this attachment parenting momma's heart.  So once again, I realized God was being practical with His prayer answering skills....

In July, I returned for another visit with my doctor.  We talked and hope to start more rounds in the fall...  Please pray as I'm not sure of our direction yet, but I'm sure He will guide us.

Okay so I know sooooo many of you were hoping for some surprise ending, and OH how I wish that was the case.  But it just wasn't His plan for me.  And I'm okay with that.  I committed a long time ago to love the Lord because of who He is, not because of what He can do for me.

So why so many posts and cliffhangers? 

Well some of the posts were written over a year ago.  And each posts was a distinct portion of my life that I feel God showed me something very specific.  To trust, to have faith, to honor, to trust some more...  

And why did I write this?  Something in me just knew that writing this would help me, and I have received so many sweet messages from women facing fertility obstacles.  It's amazing how many women feel like they need to be hush hush about this particular struggle.  

Another reason for writing this is to encourage you to constantly seek God and His plan for you in and out of the wilderness.  So many times God was completely transparent on which path He wanted me on.  There was no guess work and no questioning how clear His word was during these times.  

Stay on the King's Road in life!  Keep your eyes on Jesus!  There are going to be many situations in which you are given so much advice.  Pray for discernment and God's direction, then head that way.  Don't let the what's going on to your right or your left distract you from your destination!

Now to the hard and honest part.  Not only do I encourage anyone to get in the word and seek God's guidance in their life, but I beg you to be obedient as well.  This is hard for me to write, but one of my biggest struggles throughout this process was stepping out in faith and being obedient.  So many times the Lord prompted me to step out in faith and I let fear hold me down.  Delayed obedience is disobedience... Now I'm not saying that not being able to have a baby is a punishment from God, but it could be a consequence of my disobedience.  And if I never get to have another baby, I will always wonder "what if". What if I would have never stalled in fear from the beginning?  What if I never wasted time waiting for the genetics counseling and just stepped out in faith?  What if I missed my opportunities to have babies without medical intervention and I'm to blame?  That's a lot of what ifs; too many!

So I encourage you, please don't stall out in fear!  Don't question or doubt God's direction.  Confirm it and follow.  You might just miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime if you hesitate.  

TRUST HIM WITHOUT BORDERS!!

So where are we now?  We are just doing life.  It's busy and I am determined to enjoy every minute of it.  I tuck my babies in bed and look at the miracle of Jude's thriving life and at the blessing of my sweet Aubrey Lane, and I am happy.

Trusting Without Borders // Part 3

So there we were, heading straight out into the wilderness to try for a sweet baby.  And since we conceived both our first sweet babies quick and easy, we only prayed that God would give us a healthy baby and a joyful pregnancy without fear.

In the late winter, I was serving on a prayer team for a ladies' ministry and we had been out in the wilderness a few months now.  I remember attending the first few meetings with excitement thinking that in a few weeks I would have an exciting pregnancy announcement for my sisters.  And what better timing?  My pregnancy and baby would get bathed in prayer and all would be wonderful.    

But month after month, I never got to make that sweet announcement.  And month after month, frustration started to grow.  I remember being in the prayer room during that ministry weekend, and hearing from God that I still didn't fully trust him with my future babies.  It was a punch in the gut, but I knew it was true.  However, I was walking in a direction towards Him, and I was trusting that He would give me the faith I was lacking.  My sweetest friend once encouraged me that I should start walking in the direction I knew was right even if done in fear, and that God would meet me where I was and provide the faith I needed to keep going.  

Despite months and months without any sign of pregnancy, I refused to think anything was wrong other than my genetic disposition- I mean my body was telling me that everything was fine.  The genetics doctor had warned me that my affected embryos may not even implant and I was sure that was the culprit. It was referred to as genetic infertility.  Even so at my annual during the summer, I casually mentioned to my doctor that we had been trying for a while without any results other than a chemical pregnancy in December. Being on the border of advanced maternal age, she decided that it would be best for me to go ahead and do some testing.  Thinking that nothing would be wrong and without a worry in the world, I agreed.  

First round of blood work went fine.  Nothing to worry about.  Nothing looked out of place.  Second round was a different story... a nurse called me one day in August to give me my results and inform me that we were genuinely suffering from secondary infertility on top of our genetic infertility.  My body had deceived me and had not been doing what it was supposed to be all along, and it wouldn't without the help of fertility drugs.  I was DEVASTATED!!!  I hated my body for failing me AGAIN and I felt completely out of control!  How could this be?  Not only did I have to step out in faith to conceive, but now I would have to do it on fertility drugs and run the risk of having twins... twins that could suffer from a genetic abnormality and life threatening medical issues and severe development delays... I wanted to throw up!  I think I actually did. 

How could God do this to me?  I stepped out in faith!  I sought Him on every move!  I stayed in the Word!  I stayed away from methods that I thought would dishonor Him and my witness! Why didn't He reward all that with a quick healthy pregnancy?!  That was the plan, right?!

I remember putting my kiddos favorite cartoon on the television, and then hiding in our closet on the phone with my best friend.  All I could do was cry.  And all she did was listen, tell me that her heart hurt for me, and remind me that she loved me.  And that was the best thing she could do for me.  You see God was using my pain and grief to draw me in closer to Him.  He was present in my pain.  And I encourage you, when you are comforting a friend in the midst of great emotional grief, just be there for them because God is using their pain you are in the presence of holiness so you don't have to say a thing.

Lane came home from work early and decided to take me and the kids to Houston for some home shopping I had been wanting to do and to get away and think.  I couldn't decide if fertility drugs were right for us, and I felt back to square one; terrified again.  The nurse had given me the option to start fertility treatment that very same day or to take a month or two to think about it.  After praying, Lane said that we shouldn't wait; that our circumstances will not have changed in a month and we didn't want to stall out in fear again. 

So the nurse called in my prescription, and we picked it up on our way out of town.  

That same best friend and I had been to the Outcry Tour in New Orleans just a week before that.  It was an amazing night of worship with Crowder, Lauren Daigle, Kari Jobe, Bethel, and Hillsong.  So all the way to Houston, I sang "Oceans" by Hillsong.  And I knew God wanted me to trust Him without borders.  He wanted me to go where I had no choice but to trust in Him and only Him.  It was clear to me that I had to go where I was the most fearful and vulnerable in order to get freedom from this fear and experience His presence like never before.  And so I followed and started my first round of fertility treatment that night.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where my feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior.

You can hear the song and see the video here.

to be continued...

Trusting Without Borders // Part 2

Well... so here we are.  Almost a year later and I am finally ready to pick up where I left off...

So I knew it was time to make a decision on whether or not to expand our family.  The question was NEVER did we want another baby; that was a given.  However, more like should we have another baby.  Would it be fair to Jude and Aubrey Lane to take a chance on having another baby with severe medical issues? 

I prayed constantly over the issue determined not to let this circumstance get bigger than God again.  One night I remember thanking God for the scripture He had given me from Ecclesiastes to stand on.  But I complained that the scripture was for Jude and Aubrey Lane and that I needed a new one for more babies.  Almost instantly, He reminded me that His word is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; that the verse stands for all pregnancies past and future.  God had given me so much precious affirmation; affirmation I wasn't owed and didnt' deserve.  

Even with that renewed assurance, I let my fear dictate my choices, not trust. I let feelings determine my decisions instead of the knowledge that God is in control and always good.  I waited.  I didn't step out in faith for that sweet baby despite the divine green light I was given.

Even though I knew that no one could give me clear answers or guarantees, I sought genetics counseling to get a better idea of the "numbers" that we were looking at.

At counseling numbers and probabilities were once again figured out on a piece of paper and we were told their best guesses.  IVF with preimplantation genetic diagnosis was put on the table before us.  That would mean sifting through embryos and only selecting those unaffected by genetic abnormality to be implanted.  Feeling uneasy with selecting choice embryos, I went to God with prayer over it.  I knew that no one could really make this decision for us.

So one day I was reading in Numbers and I came to the place where God told Moses to speak to the rock and it would bring forth water.  However, frustrated with his situation of groaning Israelites and knowing from his past experience it was a sure bet, Moses struck the rock and brought forth the water.  And God was so out done with Moses over this that He denied his entry into the Promise Land.  Moses didn't trust God to let Him bring water His way, and Moses stole honor and glory from God...  I knew God was speaking to me through His Word.  I knew that doing IVF with PGD would be striking the rock.  I knew that the outcome would be the same- a healthy baby or two, but I would be stealing the honor from God that way.  He didn't want me to strike the rock; He wants me to trust in Him.  He wants me to do things His way. 

(Now I want to be clear that I hold no judgment on those who choose that method; I'm only sharing what God showed me personally. And sweet readers, please don't judge either.  IVF is a wonderful technology given to couples that could not have babies otherwise and PGD is not the standard so embryos aren't just "discarded".  And I have many friends who have chosen PGD, but mainly because their affected embryos are not compatible with life and the pain of multiple miscarriages is excruciating.)

So all in all the genetic counseling only left me feeling more unstable than before I walked through the door.  I became emotionally distraught and struggled with depression throughout the next few weeks.  And God put a man whom I greatly admire in front of me and Lane during this season.  This man asked me if I felt like I was in the Will of God.  I answered YES!  I had to be!  I wasn't getting the answers from God that I wanted but I couldn't argue that I wasn't getting clear direction from Him.  This Godly man told me that he also believed that I was in the Will of God and that as long as I stayed there, any decision I made regarding children would be the right one. 

"Those who trust in themselves are fools, 

but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Proverbs 28:26

You see, the genetics counseling wasn't going to assure me or give me a peace.  I had affirmation from God, but foolishly it wasn't enough for me.  So looking back now, the decline in my emotional and mental well being is no surprise.  I was going by what our geneticist, who is just a man, told me.  He is a Christian amazingly, but he's not God.  We have to be so careful with the discernment that God graciously gives us, and take captive our thoughts and feelings so that we don't let them squander it.

So a couple nights later, Lane and I prayed and talked and decided that the desire for more children was definitely not ungodly, and that pain of not having anymore children far outweighed the fear of having another one with special needs.  And that what kind of testimony and faith would we lack had we knew about my genetic dispostition before children and never had Jude or Aubrey Lane.  They are both, with and without disability, such gifts to us and others.  So after years of being bound up by fear, we stepped out in faith.  We were going to try for another baby.

to be continued...

Trusting Without Borders // Part 1

I was so torn about sharing this or not, but I fully believe in the POWER of prayer and writing it all down is part of the dealing and healing process for me.  Maybe I'm writing it more for me because I don't even know when or if I will push the "publish" button.  

*For later reference, it is currently early August, 2015.

There is a ton going on in our lives behind the scenes.  But before I get there, I need to go back to when it all started.

When Jude was just about 10ish days old in the NICU, I sat at his bassinet desperately trying to cope with his recent chromosome abnormality diagnosis.  Y'all- this was seriously the hardest days of my entire life.  Not only was my world ROCKED by Jude's diagnosis, but a fear gripped me so hard I could hardly breathe: what if all my babies will be born like this? The doctors were pushing for genetics testing with Lane and I, but I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it.  What if the news was devastating?  All I wanted in this life was to raise a bunch of babies with the man I loved.  I had dreamt of a big family my entire life.

Desperate and knowing where my hope is, I picked up the bible I brought to the NICU everyday and begin to search for Ecclesiastes.  I don't know why, I just knew I had to read there.  I know now that was God.  Well I started from the beginning.  

Yes, God, I know there is a time for this and a time for that, but I need more.  I know there is something else you have for me in this!

That's when I came to Ecclesiastes 11:4

He who observes the wind will not sow,

And he who regards the clouds will not reap.

As you do not know what is the way of the wind,

Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child,

So you do not know the works of God who makes everything.

In the morning sow your seed, 

And in the evening do not withhold your hand;

For you do not know which will prosper,

Either this or that,

Or whether both alike will be good.

I knew without a doubt that God had given that scripture to me at that time.  I clung to it over the next three years as my heart cried out for another child. You see a couple months after I read this, my worst fears were confirmed.  Jude's genetic disposition was the result of an unbalanced translocation in which I unknowingly passed to him because I have a balanced translocation.  And it could happen again with more children.  Oh the grief... it was unbearable. It was greater than having a child with multiple disabilities; it was and is my deepest grief to date.  I'm so thankful I could and did run to Jesus in the midst of my heartache.  There were so many times over the next three years that I had to remind myself that Jesus is greater than any circumstance.  I have a specific memory of one spring season being so heartbroken, I could not even find my voice to sing during worship service at church.  Instead I just cried out for God to help me through this pain.


I still had the scripture, and knew God wanted me to step out in faith in Him and try for another baby.  However, I did not let faith order my steps, but fear.  I never really tried for another baby.


Then came the fall and with it the unbelievable surprise of a positive pregnancy test.  Lane and I hadn't been trying at all.  I wish I could say that my heart sang with joy at the sight of that digital test that read "pregnant" across it, but fear flooded my heart and I cried for about a week.  Gradually my fear gave way to joy and I begin to be hopeful about this pregnancy and future baby.  We decided we would tell the world about our expected bundle of joy early at six weeks.  We thought about waiting until 12 weeks because the risk of miscarriage for us is SOOO high, but together we decided that the more people praying for our sweet baby, the better.


After a bumpy road in faith, our sweet Aubrey Lane was born the next summer.  Once again, I fell madly in love with a baby.  She was PERFECT in every way.   A complete miracle and gift from the Lord.  My heart swells with joy and tears flood my eyes right now just writing about it. 


My prayers were answered and I had a healthy baby.  However, I felt deep down inside that I didn't deserve my sweet miracle.  I had never stepped out in faith and actually tried for her like I knew God wanted me to.  I took the scripture and held it at it's word, but I didn't act on my faith; just my fear. 


In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
James 2:17 NIV

Even though, I felt like God fulfilled His promises (let me be clear- I don't feel like God owes me ANYTHING.  He has already given me His Son), I didn't feel like I held up my end of the deal.  I also knew that I would want another baby and that the road to that would be a difficult one emotionally, but I focused all my energy on my new little miracle and the joy she and her big brother brought me.  I stuffed the nagging worry over the path to future children way down deep and hid it there until the day it refused to be ignored any longer....




to be continued

More Than Just a Biscuit

*WARNING- this post is kinda long and has no pictures.  A post full of pictures is on its way.  I promise.

So we have been extremely busy with the building of our new house.  The floor DIY is about to kill us all!!  Since we spend sooo much time in the new house, there is hardly extra time to do regular life stuff that we need to do like say laundry, clean house, grocery shop, cook... you get the picture.  Thank goodness for my mother in law that has been practically raising our kids for us lately.  

So anyway, last week Lane worked that Friday and I spent some of the day in the new house working and some of the day in our current home just trying to catch up on things.  When Lane got home from work, I hadn’t cooked dinner yet- mainly because I haven’t grocery shopped yet.  So he ran and got some of my favorite bad for you food- spicy fried chicken, mashed potatoes, red beans and rice, and of course the biscuits.  Most of y’all know the place...  

I know, I know... We’ve been eating horribly during this DIY, but I’m certain  the meal quality will improve once we are in our new house.   So to all my healthy friends, don’t deem me a lost cause yet.

Lane comes in with the takeout bag and starts unloading it on the counter so I can fix some plates.  He does a quick inventory for me, but before he could finish he lets out a deep breath of frustration and looks to the ceiling.  The fast food service forgot to give us all our biscuits and there was only one in the bag.  Those of you who know which place I’m talking about understand that the biscuits are actually the coveted part of the meal.  And we live pretty rural so to go get the biscuits would have taken at least 30 minutes. 

Well our four year old immediately became aware of the circumstances and started to cry.  I’m telling y’all, biscuits are a BIG DEAL!  Because I know my husband considers me first above anyone else, I reassured him that I didn’t need a biscuit to be happy with the meal. However, because my husband considers himself last after everyone else, he turned and reassured our daughter that she could have the biscuit.  She accepted without out a second thought or a THANK YOU!

I stood there in our kitchen spectating this small moment and something just didn’t sit well with me about the events that I just witnessed.  I know how everyone in my family feels about the biscuits.  I know that my husband was just as disappointed as my daughter was.  I was not surprised that my he gave the only biscuit to our daughter.  However, I was surprised that she took it without thinking twice- like it was owed to her or something.

Memories from my childhood came racing back to me.  Remembering my own mother saving the best piece of chicken for my father, and if there was only one biscuit, you can believe, he was going to get it.  And there was no argument from me or my sister.  

I looked over at my husband who was quietly fixing his plate.  He was tired.  Real tired.  His shoulders were low with it it and his words few.  He had been up since 3:30am to make a 40ish minute drive to work a 12 hour shift all without ever complaining. EVER!  And our daughter AND myself had just shown no appreciation or RESPECT for the king of our castle.

Not only had that happened, but I watched Aubrey Lane admire her full plate and knew what had to be done.  I knew she was going to be very upset and that’s natural for a child her age.  I quietly called her and asked her did she think she should give the biscuit to her daddy who worked all day so that we could want for nothing.  Things started to get dramatic quickly as I expected.  I tried reasoning with her at first, then just demanded that she give the biscuit to her father.

Lane started to object because he is Lane, but then he realized what was really going on and stayed quiet.  This was more than just a biscuit.  This was about respecting my husband in all areas.  This was about Aubrey Lane honoring her father.  This was a lesson for her too.  Yes I hated hearing her cry and felt awful for it, but all I could see was her 20 years from now, a young adult breaking down because her father and I prevented her from feeling disappointment and frustration as a child.  I could see her as a young wife and mother not respecting her husband because I didn’t restore divine order in our own home.

I haven’t been the best wife to Lane or role model for Aubrey Lane.  I’ll admit it.  I don’t say thank you near enough and have put a huge demand on all my husband’s time between work and this house build.  Then I give him grief if he forgets to take the trash out.  God’s word commands the husband to love his wife and the wife to RESPECT her husband.  Why not love? Because men need respect more than anything else.  Gratitude translates to respect, and respect translates love to them.  It is their love language from their wives and children!  Respecting our husbands in Godly ways will certainly grow their love for us, and even grow our love for them.  So I want to encourage any wife or wife to be reading this post (thank you for hanging in there), to go out of your way today to show your husband a special gesture of gratitude and respect. I can almost guarantee you will be blessed in return.  And if you aren’t, don’t be discouraged because when we honor our husbands, we honor God, and we should do that without the need for reward.

I stayed persistent and eventually even Aubrey Lane realized giving up the biscuit was the right thing to do.  When she gave it to Lane she was insistent he have it, and in true Lane fashion, he broke it in half and shared it with her. But a lesson was learned.

This is a tribute

to the father who carries his son on his shoulders with pride

to the father who sings in silly voices when his son is sad or just to see him smile


the one who rocks his son in the middle of the night


the one who takes him for wagon rides 

the father who sleeps with his hand covering his unborn child 


the one who prays for his son every night before putting him to bed


the father who does not look at his son and see disability and disappointment, instead he takes delight in the wonderful works of God and gives thanks for his blessings

for the father whose adoration and love for his son is always on full display like a crown of jewels on his head


for the father called "Papa"

To the husband that still holds his wife's hand and always gets the door for her


to the husband who takes pride in his wife's accomplishments and brags on her

the one who still thinks his wife is beautiful and makes her feel like the only important person in the room


for the husband who buckles his wife's shoes because she can't reach them anymore

the one who can never tell his wife "no"


the one who places his wife's wants and needs above his own


to the husband who always apologizes first and the fastest even when his wife is to blame

to the husband who prays for his wife in the middle of the night when fear takes over her.


the husband that works very hard and without complaint so that his wife can stay at home with his children and still provide the things she wants


to the husband who loves his wife much more than he loves himself

For the man, who sets examples of what a good father and husband should be everyday, you are one of God's greatest gifts to us and we thank Him for you everyday!

Happy Birthday, Lane!

We love you very very much!

Sweet Pea Update

Today I had another baby appointment.  They also did another ultrasound to make sure that the baby's growth and development is staying right on track.  Well, we did the ultrasound first and got to see our sweet little baby. 


It was amazing to see how much it had grown in just a few weeks.  Everything still looks wonderful.  The baby is on the petite side (still) but following the growth curve perfectly around the 50th percentile.  The baby is frank breech (head and feet up) so that explains why I feel a lot of movement but just not a lot of strong kicks.  They said not to worry about the baby being breech, that it had plenty of time to get into position.


The baby also weighs 2 pounds and 3 ounces now!


We got some super cute pictures of our Sweet Pea today!  So, of course, I had to share a couple of my favorites with you. 




The first picture is of Sweet Pea's nose and lips..  (If you can see that on there)  And it definitely has some smackers on there ;-)

The second picture is my favorite... While we were doing the ultrasound, the baby kept bringing its hands to its face.  At one point it looked like the baby was sucking its thumb, so I asked the technician, and she said she wasn't sure.  Then we saw those fat cheeks start moving, and she said YEP, it's sucking its thumb!! So she got a picture of that for us!

Now, I know that having a "thumb sucker" is not ideal in the dentistry world, but this is a HUGE deal to us.  Our sweet baby Jude has struggled from the beginning with his sucking reflex, so this sight immediately put our hearts at ease!

Once we were finished, we saw Dr. Ann.  She is so pleased with how well the pregnancy is progressing.  Her only worry was me and my cold.  She offered some antibiotics, but I refused.  She agreed that they probably weren't needed but made me promise to call if I didn't get well this week.

We are so so thankful for continued good reports and for those of you who pray for our little family!

Praise the Lord!  Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty deeds' praise him according to his surpassing greatness!  Praise You!

Psalm 150:1-2

Confirmation

This morning I stepped back into a clinic that I hoped I would never see again... the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic.


However, this visit was very different from my past experiences there.  This visit I was going to get a confirmation that my Sweet Pea is healthy and doing well.


Well... I got the exact news I went to hear- the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist agreed with my doctor that Sweet Pea looks perfect.  His only concern was that he wants my doctor to closely monitor the baby in case it gets a little growth restriction as Jude did, but he didn't think that this was likely to happen.  


We talked about my stance on an amniocentesis (AGAINST, by the way), and he was completely supportive!  


I had expectations of another visit in a few weeks or so until the baby came to term at 37 weeks, but the doctor gave me a pleasant surprise- he discharged me from the clinic!!  I was surprised and VERY EXCITED for this.


On a bright note, I got to see pictures of my "Sweet Bean" again!  It was so sweet to see it moving all around and to see how much it's grown in only two weeks.  It weighs a pound and a couple of ounces already!  And the baby is holding strong to that July 26th date... so my sweet niece may get a new cousin for her birthday!


And for all those dying of curiosity out there, the gender of Sweet Pea is...

Still a Surprise!!

Come on now!  You didn't think I would cave and spoil the surprise after all this time, did ya?    

Thank you again, for all the prayers sent our way.  God is so faithful and we can't wait to meet our Sweet Bean in about 15-16 weeks.. Yep that's all we have left!!    

Lots of love, hugs, and kisses,

Angel

The Overcomer's Necklace

A few weeks ago, Lane and I had the privilege of attending a special needs ministry conference for church leaders, teachers and volunteers, and parents of special needs children.  It was an awesome conference that addressed a variety of topics from issues families face to getting a special needs ministry in your own church started.  It was truly a blessing to attend.


A mother and daughter were two of the speakers at the conference.  The daughter, Tracy had been permanently disabled in a tragic car accident about 23 years ago.  But their tale was not one of tragedy but of overcoming and victory.  Ginny, the mother, and Tracy have not only become encouraging speakers, but jewelry artists, and Tracy has even become a newspaper columnist despite her disabilities!  Isn't God AMAZING!!!


Well, back to their jewelry making...  Ginny explained that when Tracy finally got to come home after intense rehab, that they were basically homebound all the time and became miserably bored quickly.  Then they got to making jewelry.  Tracy is the artist and designer with her mother, Ginny, being her hands to make the jewelry.  The jewelry is very natural looking and primitive earning its given name "Prims".  Tracy joked that the jewelry was unbalanced like herself ;-)  And all the jewelry has a Biblical or encouraging basis.  


Well during lunch, I wondered over to the table where Prims Jewelry was on display and picked up a "Crib Angel" they had made.  It's a necklace with a clay angel they had made that I planned to hang on Sweet Pea's crib.  It had a scripture on the tag:


"For He will give his angels charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways."
            Psalm 91:11


I thought it was very sweet and had to have it.  When I went to pay for the necklace, I got the opportunity to talk with Tracy and her mom.  I explained that I completely related to their story- that when my son had finally come home from the hospital, he came home on continuous oxygen, a continues food pump, and a heart monitor, and all three had to be worn 24/7.  We couldn't leave the house unless it was to go to a doctors' appointment and even that required extra hands that my mother in law was happy to provide.  For months we stayed cooped up inside the house.  We only saw people that came to see us, and it's not like we were hosting any dinner parties.  All I could do was wake up and pray that Jude lived through that day (the doctors sent us home prepared to lose our son).  Gradually, Jude got better and we got to create our own little version of a normal life..


After finishing my story, Ginny smiled and reached over and handed me this necklace

She explained that this was their Overcomer's Necklace and that they wanted me to have it because I was an overcomer!  


I felt so touched and couldn't say thank you enough.  I treasure the necklace and what it meant for them and what it means for me.


I wore the necklace to my anatomy scan a couple of weeks ago, and I will be wearing the necklace again this morning when I go to my Maternal Fetal Medicine appointment.  


I feel good about the baby's health, but being back in that office will definitely make me uneasy.  Also, I know that if the first anatomy scan were enough, I wouldn't be attending another one in a different office.  So I am praying that the specialist will have the same findings as my doctor did- a healthy baby.  


I have a peace about it either way!  




"...To him who overcomes I will give a white stone with a new name on it."
               Revelations 2:17

BIG news for a BIG day

As most of you know, we had the anatomy scan done of our Sweet Pea today.  And as most of you could expect, the day was kind of a mess for me. 

I felt bad for our poor ultrasound technician, as I'm sure not many women enter her room crying.  No pressure on her part, right?  Well, she handled the pressure just fine and got down to the important parts that she knew we were most intersested in.

Because Jude's arms and legs measured very short and gave us the biggest clue that something was not right chromosomally, the ultrasound technician measured Sweet Pea's arms and legs first. 

I held my breath as I watched.

And when the she looked up and said, "They're normal", I cried sobbed tears of joy!

I watched and waited as the ultrasound technician looked at and measured everything!  Now most ultrasound technicians do not give any clue as to if things are "normal" are not; they usually let the doctor share any news.  But our tech was very sweet and kept us in the loop.  As each thing was measured or examined, she would proudly announce, "It's normal." 

I began to relax and just enjoy seeing my baby.  We got some very cute profile pictures today.  And I was surprised to see that the baby (as much as I can tell on an ultrasound) does not look very much like Jude.  This discovery excited me and kind of broke my heart because I can't imagine any baby being as beautiful as my sweet Jude was and is.  But I guess that I will just have two of the most beautiful children each in their own way ;-)

I think Sweet Pea/ Butter Bean, or "Sweet Bean" as my father in law says, is going to look more like Lane than Jude does.  What do you think?

As the technician finished up her scanning, we got to hold our breath again as she took pictures of the umbilical cord.  You see, umbilical cords have three vessels: two arteries and one vein.  However, Jude only had two vessels: one artery and one vein.  Another clue to his "special" diagnosis. 

Once again, the tech announced that she saw two arteries and that everything looked good.  And of course, this Mama cried again.

Oh, and we stayed strong and didn't find out the gender.  In fact, because we didn't want to know, the tech didn't even venture into that area so not even the doctor knows if this baby is a boy or girl!

After we left the ultrasound room, we went to see the doctor.  I refused to call anyone and share any news until the doctor came in and confirmed what the ultrasound technician saw.  When she did come in, she gave us a BIG congratulations and a BIG hug.  She explained to us that she could NOT find even ONE thing wrong about the baby!

She also asked about baby movement, and I told her that I wasn't sure that the baby even sleeps because it moves constantly.  After hearing this news, the doctor was so excited that she grabbed me and hugged me again.  She explained that this was a very very good sign that the baby has good muscle tone.  This is a HUGE deal because, as some of you know, the reason Jude has not learned to walk yet is due to low muscle tone. 

We left the appointment and immediately called our parents to share the most WONDERFUL news we have heard in a long time.  I kind of feel like this is too good to be true.  I am still trying to process the fact that Lane and I are expecting a healthy baby.  A baby that is going to rock Jude's little world ;-) and I'm sure ours as well. 

I am so very thankful to my Father from who ALL BLESSINGS FLOW.  He created this precious baby just like he created our precious Jude and we will do everything we can to raise them and live to bring honor to His name.

Thank you so much for all the prayers and sweet text messages today.  It was by far the most emotional day I have had in a few years and I am exhausted from it all.  So I'm going to cuddle on the couch with my favorite redhead!

Goodnight my sweet friends!
Angel, Lane, Jude, and Sweet Pea

today is the BIG DAY!!

Today is the BIG DAY that I have been both dreading and anxiously waiting for since a little pink plus sign appeared.


Today we are going to the doctor for the big anatomy scan.  This is when Jude's "uniqueness" was first discovered, and this will be when or if we discover if this baby has any "special" qualities of its own as well.


There is a 50% chance either way!


I didn't sleep very well last night.  And while I'm not quite the mess (yet) that I thought I would be, my stomach is FULL of little butterflies!  About half of those belong to my Sweet Pea, reminding me that everything is going to be fine regardless of these test results. 


Which is a truth I know-  this baby is a beautiful creation of my Lord's.  However, I have been praying for the favor and blessing of a healthy child!  But His will is not my decision.


Please be in prayer for our family for whatever this afternoon may bring.  I may or may not be able to post the outcome of this appointment right away.


Thank you and with much love!
Angel


I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:14