Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Trusting Without Borders // Part 2

Well... so here we are.  Almost a year later and I am finally ready to pick up where I left off...

So I knew it was time to make a decision on whether or not to expand our family.  The question was NEVER did we want another baby; that was a given.  However, more like should we have another baby.  Would it be fair to Jude and Aubrey Lane to take a chance on having another baby with severe medical issues? 

I prayed constantly over the issue determined not to let this circumstance get bigger than God again.  One night I remember thanking God for the scripture He had given me from Ecclesiastes to stand on.  But I complained that the scripture was for Jude and Aubrey Lane and that I needed a new one for more babies.  Almost instantly, He reminded me that His word is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; that the verse stands for all pregnancies past and future.  God had given me so much precious affirmation; affirmation I wasn't owed and didnt' deserve.  

Even with that renewed assurance, I let my fear dictate my choices, not trust. I let feelings determine my decisions instead of the knowledge that God is in control and always good.  I waited.  I didn't step out in faith for that sweet baby despite the divine green light I was given.

Even though I knew that no one could give me clear answers or guarantees, I sought genetics counseling to get a better idea of the "numbers" that we were looking at.

At counseling numbers and probabilities were once again figured out on a piece of paper and we were told their best guesses.  IVF with preimplantation genetic diagnosis was put on the table before us.  That would mean sifting through embryos and only selecting those unaffected by genetic abnormality to be implanted.  Feeling uneasy with selecting choice embryos, I went to God with prayer over it.  I knew that no one could really make this decision for us.

So one day I was reading in Numbers and I came to the place where God told Moses to speak to the rock and it would bring forth water.  However, frustrated with his situation of groaning Israelites and knowing from his past experience it was a sure bet, Moses struck the rock and brought forth the water.  And God was so out done with Moses over this that He denied his entry into the Promise Land.  Moses didn't trust God to let Him bring water His way, and Moses stole honor and glory from God...  I knew God was speaking to me through His Word.  I knew that doing IVF with PGD would be striking the rock.  I knew that the outcome would be the same- a healthy baby or two, but I would be stealing the honor from God that way.  He didn't want me to strike the rock; He wants me to trust in Him.  He wants me to do things His way. 

(Now I want to be clear that I hold no judgment on those who choose that method; I'm only sharing what God showed me personally. And sweet readers, please don't judge either.  IVF is a wonderful technology given to couples that could not have babies otherwise and PGD is not the standard so embryos aren't just "discarded".  And I have many friends who have chosen PGD, but mainly because their affected embryos are not compatible with life and the pain of multiple miscarriages is excruciating.)

So all in all the genetic counseling only left me feeling more unstable than before I walked through the door.  I became emotionally distraught and struggled with depression throughout the next few weeks.  And God put a man whom I greatly admire in front of me and Lane during this season.  This man asked me if I felt like I was in the Will of God.  I answered YES!  I had to be!  I wasn't getting the answers from God that I wanted but I couldn't argue that I wasn't getting clear direction from Him.  This Godly man told me that he also believed that I was in the Will of God and that as long as I stayed there, any decision I made regarding children would be the right one. 

"Those who trust in themselves are fools, 
but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."
Proverbs 28:26

You see, the genetics counseling wasn't going to assure me or give me a peace.  I had affirmation from God, but foolishly it wasn't enough for me.  So looking back now, the decline in my emotional and mental well being is no surprise.  I was going by what our geneticist, who is just a man, told me.  He is a Christian amazingly, but he's not God.  We have to be so careful with the discernment that God graciously gives us, and take captive our thoughts and feelings so that we don't let them squander it.

So a couple nights later, Lane and I prayed and talked and decided that the desire for more children was definitely not ungodly, and that pain of not having anymore children far outweighed the fear of having another one with special needs.  And that what kind of testimony and faith would we lack had we knew about my genetic dispostition before children and never had Jude or Aubrey Lane.  They are both, with and without disability, such gifts to us and others.  So after years of being bound up by fear, we stepped out in faith.  We were going to try for another baby.

to be continued...

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you both. And thank you for being so open and infertility, it's not something people feel comfortable talking about.


Thank you for taking the time to share a kind word with me!