So there we were, heading straight out into the wilderness to try for a sweet baby. And since we conceived both our first sweet babies quick and easy, we only prayed that God would give us a healthy baby and a joyful pregnancy without fear.
In the late winter, I was serving on a prayer team for a ladies' ministry and we had been out in the wilderness a few months now. I remember attending the first few meetings with excitement thinking that in a few weeks I would have an exciting pregnancy announcement for my sisters. And what better timing? My pregnancy and baby would get bathed in prayer and all would be wonderful.
But month after month, I never got to make that sweet announcement. And month after month, frustration started to grow. I remember being in the prayer room during that ministry weekend, and hearing from God that I still didn't fully trust him with my future babies. It was a punch in the gut, but I knew it was true. However, I was walking in a direction towards Him, and I was trusting that He would give me the faith I was lacking. My sweetest friend once encouraged me that I should start walking in the direction I knew was right even if done in fear, and that God would meet me where I was and provide the faith I needed to keep going.
Despite months and months without any sign of pregnancy, I refused to think anything was wrong other than my genetic disposition- I mean my body was telling me that everything was fine. The genetics doctor had warned me that my affected embryos may not even implant and I was sure that was the culprit. It was referred to as genetic infertility. Even so at my annual during the summer, I casually mentioned to my doctor that we had been trying for a while without any results other than a chemical pregnancy in December. Being on the border of advanced maternal age, she decided that it would be best for me to go ahead and do some testing. Thinking that nothing would be wrong and without a worry in the world, I agreed.
First round of blood work went fine. Nothing to worry about. Nothing looked out of place. Second round was a different story... a nurse called me one day in August to give me my results and inform me that we were genuinely suffering from secondary infertility on top of our genetic infertility. My body had deceived me and had not been doing what it was supposed to be all along, and it wouldn't without the help of fertility drugs. I was DEVASTATED!!! I hated my body for failing me AGAIN and I felt completely out of control! How could this be? Not only did I have to step out in faith to conceive, but now I would have to do it on fertility drugs and run the risk of having twins... twins that could suffer from a genetic abnormality and life threatening medical issues and severe development delays... I wanted to throw up! I think I actually did.
How could God do this to me? I stepped out in faith! I sought Him on every move! I stayed in the Word! I stayed away from methods that I thought would dishonor Him and my witness! Why didn't He reward all that with a quick healthy pregnancy?! That was the plan, right?!
I remember putting my kiddos favorite cartoon on the television, and then hiding in our closet on the phone with my best friend. All I could do was cry. And all she did was listen, tell me that her heart hurt for me, and remind me that she loved me. And that was the best thing she could do for me. You see God was using my pain and grief to draw me in closer to Him. He was present in my pain. And I encourage you, when you are comforting a friend in the midst of great emotional grief, just be there for them because God is using their pain you are in the presence of holiness so you don't have to say a thing.
Lane came home from work early and decided to take me and the kids to Houston for some home shopping I had been wanting to do and to get away and think. I couldn't decide if fertility drugs were right for us, and I felt back to square one; terrified again. The nurse had given me the option to start fertility treatment that very same day or to take a month or two to think about it. After praying, Lane said that we shouldn't wait; that our circumstances will not have changed in a month and we didn't want to stall out in fear again.
So the nurse called in my prescription, and we picked it up on our way out of town.
That same best friend and I had been to the Outcry Tour in New Orleans just a week before that. It was an amazing night of worship with Crowder, Lauren Daigle, Kari Jobe, Bethel, and Hillsong. So all the way to Houston, I sang "Oceans" by Hillsong. And I knew God wanted me to trust Him without borders. He wanted me to go where I had no choice but to trust in Him and only Him. It was clear to me that I had to go where I was the most fearful and vulnerable in order to get freedom from this fear and experience His presence like never before. And so I followed and started my first round of fertility treatment that night.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where my feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior.
to be continued...
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