For many years now, my life (and Lane’s life too) has been quite the roller coaster ride. We have experienced one desperate low followed by one extreme high and so on. We have either been on our knees pleading with God; praying that His will be done while hoping it would be done at a price we could bare. Then in the next breath, we’d be leaping for joy over that answered prayer.
We have been either sinking in turbulent waves or walking on the water.
I am not exaggerating when I say that is how our entire marriage has been and life as we know it.
Something has been... off. And I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until a few days ago. And then it hit me.
We aren’t sinking in water right now and we are not exactly walking on it either. We are safe and sound, sleeping in the boat. The waters are relatively smooth, and nothing particularly exciting has happened lately.
Now, please, please, PLEASE don’t take this as me complaining. This has been a goal to reach a calm place in my life for a very long time. And it’s here! I’m certain it’s not permanent, but I’ll enjoy it while it’s here.
The issue is that neither Lane nor I really know how to live our lives in the boat. It’s like we can’t quite get comfy and that we keep waiting for that other shoe to drop. We are afraid to make plans and relax without reviewing all the “what ifs” and “maybes” and so on and so on.
I’ve done a lot of thinking and praying about this, and I personally feel like I am enduring a huge test from God. Sure I called upon His Name when I was desperate. I sang His praises when He lifted me. But... what am I doing in between?
I’ll be honest. I know I could be in the Word so much more. I know I need to make an effort to fellowship with my sisters in Christ. I know I need turn off the Mickey Mouse and turn on some praise music and fill this home and those precious little ears with some truth and love.
I have realized that I need to be seeking the Lord now more than ever. In these quiet times in my life, I can be hearing the Holy Spirit so much more.
I do still thirst and hunger for Him. And I desire to be on fire for the Lord... I’m just not right now. I’m not living my life like some wild heathen, but what difference would that be if I’m not serving and seeking the Lord as I know I should be. I’ve been to vested in trying to “make the most out of life” and missing the biggest part.
I don’t know if the last five years have left me calloused (I pray not), or if I am just in a dry season. Regardless, I know that a change needs to be made and I’m ready.
I really felt like sharing this personal journey. I don’t know if any of my five readers out there needed to hear this or not, but I’m hoping to encourage anyone else that might be in my shoes, and I’m seeking accountability and prayer from you too.
He did His part.
It’s time for me to do mine.